Taffy the Laffy Samoyed Stories
page 5
13. Taff in the big muddy
Well for some reason this big white dog we got now, has an absolute fascination with mud. I have no idea why. Every walk we go on he tries to sneak into any wet spot that is brown in color, could be mud. I got so tired of yanking him out of mud holes that one day I just decided, OK "bog boy" have at it!. We were over behind the shed and there was a puddle.... glory be, it was 2 feet around and 2 inches deep .I snaked out the Taff's cable, hooked to his harness, and just stood back in awe! This dog leaped into the water and went to digging like a 49er in a big glittery vein. I now understand gold fever, dogs have it too but they are only looking for clay clumps. I was utterly amazed at how fast the dog could dig, I was further amazed at how deep he was digging in such a shot time. In a matter of 10 minutes the hole was 6 feet around and 3 feet deep. His whole face was under water and I laughed my head off at him coming up for big gulps of air, snorting mud out of his nose and going right back at it, he was on a mission. He was also flinging mud 8 feet away all around this hole. By the time he was done he weighed in around 500 lbs with all the muck on his coat and came up with only a big cinder rock, he pranced up to me with it in his mouth and laid it down at my feet like the Hope Diamond. What a remarkable find, well thank you very much I will cherish this always, I told him. Off we went for home.
Once back here I pondered different ways to try and get the mud off his body and weight below 1/2 ton. I finally just took the easy way out and hosed him off in the driveway. He looked like a drowned 50 lb. white rat. He was a happy happy boy. I used 16 towels to try and dry his heavy thick double coat and he spent the rest of the afternoon napping under the fan. Meanwhile I decided I better go out and try to remove the mud from the driveway. First off I tried hosing it off but there was too much, and clay don't rinse off well being sort of water repellent naturally. Next up I decided to shovel it (with the regular shovel) but it was so heavy I could not lift a shovel full. I finally hit on just shoving it across the road and down on the railroad tracks with the snow shovel that every resident of PA keeps by his back door year round, sort of like a permanent door decoration. This was taking considerable time and I pondered the possibility of just leaving it in the driveway and planting winter wheat. Finally after a lot of pushing and shoving the driveway was once again concrete.
Now in the mean time I had forgot to inform Charlie of our little escaped and he chose this exact moment to try and move his skid steer down the narrow strip behind the shed to do who knows what. See, one hour earlier he had decided he needed to get at something back there and had noticed the little 2 foot pot hole but hey, he has a big machine. Well not big enough. While I was back in the house rubbing liniment all over my body, he decides to run up the strip with the skid steer in full throttle .Along about this time I hear this loud noise, I dash out the door and sure enough there is Charlie buried up to the hubs in the Taff's new mud hole and he is madder than a nest or hornets. He is moving the throttle back and forth and just making this hole deeper and wider. OH OH, I ran back in the house and frantically start brushing the dog dry and hiding towels, OH Taff we are a goner now, but don't worry he will never know hahaha.
Well after considerable time and a tad of help from a locomotive engine,....don't ask, Charlie manages to get the skid steer back on dry ground. Boy oh boy you should see that mud hole now!!! You could stage a world champion mud wrestling contest in it, with 52 contesters all wrestling at the same time. WHOO.. HOO if my big white boy could see how dad could dig a mud hole he would be so proud. Charlie stomps over to the house, goes in to take a shower.....gets handed the good real guest towel to dry off with, that has never touched a human body, pays no attention to the silky white boy asleep on the floor, and only casually mentioned that maybe he needs to plant some winter wheat on the 60 foot long hillside as the mud from last spring is sure taking a long time to dry. I did not realize till hours later that MY boots and the dog's, collar, leash and harness, were still hanging over the railing next to the driveway with 2 feet of mud caked on!!!! Life with a Samoyed can sure spice up a marriage ( see photo below) hahahaha lol mfb.
14. Taff and Big George?
Well this morning I decided to take the Taff hunting early as I got two visiting granddaughters here and promised to take them shopping. It was nice and cool and the morning mist was laying thick in the river valley here. Down the road we go with the Taff bounding happily along, ever on the alert for uppity rabbits. We got about half way down the road, just across from some big hopper railcars that belong to one of our customers and are awaiting switching, when Taff stops in the road.
Suddenly his ears go up and he dashes to the uphill side of the road and freezes with one paw in the air, his tongue out the side of his mouth and his eyes glued on the thick underbrush. AH HA probably a little furry guy who thinks he can run free over Taff's turf hahaha. NOTHING could be farther from the facts! Suddenly I hear a VERY loud "SNORT" and then the bushes start shaking!
Well I am now frozen in place, just like Taff, and then the bushes shake some more and I hear crashing, whatever it is in there is not even TRYING to be quiet and the hair stood up on the back of my neck! First off I know that deer will snort, but deer are generally quiet as they come from the PREY class! On the other hand there are PREDATORS and generally when disturbed don't care who hears them. OK... I start moving to the left, upwind, and gradually start yanking on the Taff's long plastic wrapped cable but he is dug in and ready to charge. Now a long time ago I tied big knots into that 20 foot cable so I can more easily reel in the bounding boy in case we meet a car or something on the road, or he decides to pounce on passing walkers. So here we are in a Mexican standoff with the bushes and I hear yet another SNORT and then the top of one of the big 55 foot trees starts waving and there is not a bit of wind!
OK whatever is in that brush is not a rabbit and we probably need to leave it alone. It then came to me that just last week the local township police were patrolling just a few thousand feet north of here and the local big black bear "Gilpin George" waddled right out in front of the cruiser without a care in the world. Then I recalled the neighbor telling me that right up this very ridge at the top ( 1/2 mile), her family was having a cookout and a baby cub waddled out to the edge of the fire, upon them all dashing into their house, the mother bear appeared and removed the noisy baby back to the same woods I am now staring at! It is past time for the Taff and me to move on down the road. It is then that I spy a huge flat brush path about the size of a Ford F-150 truck, freshly mashed into the hillside!!!! Something BIG recently went through there!
At this point I decided to just try to reel in the kindergarten hunter because I strongly suspect there is something in that woods we do not want to disturb, I move to the right and the brush crashes to the right, I move to the left and the brush crashes to the left......oh.....oh.....this is not good. You do not have to be Dannie Boone to figure out when YOU are being stalked! I am yanking on the Taff's cable and he is lunging on the other end. Now the last thing I want to do is make any sound so the probably BIG meat eater in the woods can pinpoint my location. "EL Stupido" however is not cooperating, so I decided to try hand signals, Taff and I have many hand signals, but he has never seen the finger drawn slowly across the throat and has no concept what I am trying to tell him. DIE, we're going to DIE! More crashing and then a BIGGER SNORT closer to the edge of the thick brush.
Right about this time I remember that bears do not have good eyesight but they got a terrific sense of smell, so I figure this big 300+ lb bruiser is getting the smell of me sweating profusely, mixed with my new light honey scented perfume I was dumb enough too apply just before this walk (what was I thinking) this is mixed with the smell of cookie on Taff's breath that I snuck him before we left. So the scent message the big animal in the woods is getting is WOW-Sweet and Sour Pork and Fuzzy Marshmallow Delight for dessert, who could ask for anything more?
SNORT... CRASH and BIG tree tops wave to the LEFT, so I move to the RIGHT, putting all 110lbs of body weight against that cable and yank the Taff down off the hillside. I figure we can make the hopper cars (which have a roof walkway) and even if bears can climb, there is no one who can scramble over a rail car faster then me! Now the Taff has not given up on this, in his mind, big big rabbit and even though I am now clear across the road and starting down the bank to the railroad tracks he is fighting me.
Along about this time I am thinking if it comes to a choice between a suicidal dog and my hide, well bubba, we have already established he has no breeding qualities worth preserving, and I am not about to risk getting mauled to save a dog who don't know the difference between a TOP PREDATOR and a stupid rabbit. How dumb is this dog, how could you have run loose in the woods in these mountains for even one day and not overheard the local wildlife talking about George! HELLO.
SNORT, CRASH, this time moving back up the hill!
Ok that is it, if anything breaks out of those woods I am turning this dog and cable loose and making a run for it, the bear can just use the cable for fang floss, cause I am not going to be attached to a big fuzzy stupid dog like a piece of pork on a city chicken stick! Bears can run 35mph, Taff can do 12 and I can only do 5, so long sucker!
Now I am clear down the bank and only 10 feet from the nearest rail car (why oh why did I not bring the cell phone) and Taff is in the middle of the road being drug backwards, making big claw marks in the blacktop and STILL lunging towards the hill. Suddenly he decides to bark....OH sure stupid tell him EXACTLY.... where we are.... go ahead make some more noise, Taff goes into his all time loud, top of the lung yipping then switches to howling like an absolutely rabid wolf! Lo and behold I hear more huge crashing, watch very large trees tops waving, and while I AM SCREAMING MY LUNGS OUT and trying to release the clip on the Taff's cable, I realize whatever it is, is charging up the hill away from us and gone!!!!
I outran Taff clear back here.
If any body out here wants a dog, just call and I'll deliver him, anywhere in the world FREE! I have decided to get a pet rabbit cause they got more sense! hahaha lol mfb
15. Taff and Toilet Paper
Well we had an interesting weekend here, my sister and her husband came from across the state for a weekend visit. They were expecting to leave early this morning, however during the night she suddenly felt under the weather and by early this morning she was in a full blown attack of diarrhea.
Now to explain fully the significance of this, I need to first explain Taff's compunction to eat toilet paper. It is uncontrollable, also it is part of his "chase me" game. He will dash in the bathroom, get in the small wastebasket and fly out of the room trailing a long white piece of paper on the floor. If he spots you he will run up to within a few feet of you, shake the paper in his mouth at you, and dash off, so begins our morning ritual of "catch me- I have contraband". If you ignore him he will lay just "out of grab" range and proceed to shred it to smithereens, chew it and swallow it. He prefers the paper, he rarely eats the paper rolls. Now before all of you have a heart attack and start emailing me 400 ways to break him, let me just add that I am from the "let them have one outlaw game" school of training, as I have all ready raised three sons and found out if you take away one small annoyance, they will top that with OK WATCH THIS! So I have learned the hard way to be a little lenient. Besides he always lets us catch him and remove it from his mouth. hahaha.
So when Charlie or I go into the bathroom, Taff will plop down patiently just outside the door waiting for that magic sound....FLUSH ooooo....! Because he knows that means there may be some toilet paper in the wastebasket. Now we have a custom septic tank, and to reduce problems with it we dispose of toilet paper in a waste basket instead of flushing it, however guests are not subject to this rule but Taff don't know that.
Now here goes my poor sister into the bathroom early this morning and I hear her calling my name. I go to the door and she informs me she is really sick and has a liquid bowel problem, and due to a certain health condition and medication required for same, she is not able to take over the counter meds. She can however take natural things like tea or water. I inform her I will gladly make her some tea and get her a glass of ice water. I noticed in passing that Taff was all ready waiting by the door, but gave it no thought what so ever, as I was too concerned for my sister to notice.
Here lies Taff, all he can hear is repeated flushing, and in his "toilet paper is a forbidden treat" mind, it has to sound like a slot machine at Vegas to him! KACHING- BIG BIG WINNER HERE! Never in his short life with us has he heard the toilet flush so many times, yet the door did not open. Taff was getting more and more excited as time went by. I am sure he visualized at least a case of toilet paper in there in the wastebasket, maybe even the bathtub, cause even Taff knows that wastebasket is small, Taff has hit the jackpot as soon as that door opens! You could see his eyes rolling around in his head with glee, he is panting like a woman in end stage childbirth labor, PANTPANTPANT, OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY open the door!!! YIP YIP YIP...AROOOOOoooooo. My sister interpreted this to mean that Taff is heartbroken and worried by her condition..(poor charmed by white fluff ball fool)! "Sweet sweet boy I am OK" she coos through the door, he continues to aroooooo!
Well poor "Auntie" can only sit, moan and flush, moan and flush, and by now Taff is out of his mind entirely. He starts really barking, and I being distracted, figure he had to go outside himself. I open the door and tied him to the back porch on his 40 foot cable, then went back in the kitchen to fix my sister tea. Meanwhile Taff races to the end of the porch ramp and stares fixedly at the water meter, as the dial is spinning around like a roulette wheel! He is still barking his head off.
At this point, my sister having sipped some tea and drank some water, was recovered enough to venture out of the bathroom and out to the back porch with me to take in some of the refreshing morning air, as it was a balmy 78 degrees with a gentle breeze. Taff meanwhile is now barking to get BACK in the house cause he knows an absolute treasure trove awaits him in the bathroom. Taff also knows that when VIP guests arrive we switch from the cheapie generic toilet paper ( that practically melts in your mouth) to the absolute top of the line 2-PLY quilted fluffy stuff, it is so soft and full of fiber it is almost a PAPER TOWEL! .....Does it get any better than this?...... Still distracted, I wrongly assume Taff needs in to get water and food, so I open the kitchen door but did not release him from his cable. Well he can now reach almost to the bathroom, but his cable was hung up on the porch hand rail, so he is about 6 feet short. My brother in law is sitting at the dinning room table and laughing his head off ,as Taff lunges at the extreme end of his cable dancing around like a trained monkey on his hind legs ( my brother in law knows the toilet paper game).
Now my sister and her husband are gathering their belongings to leave, since it is at the end of their time window to get home before it's too late as it is a long drive. I help them gather stuff up ,and in the mean time, we had unhooked the dogs cable from the hand rail allowing him free access to his (in his mind) 47 lbs of toilet paper just waiting for him in the bathroom. We left the kitchen door open as we carried items to my sisters car. Last trip up the side steps of the house, from the driveway parking area to the back porch, we are almost bowled over by Taff racing from the house. He shot past us like a white fuzzy rocket. He has something in his mouth, I can see it is white, he is at the very end of his 40 feet of cable, shaking his head from side to side.....ah oh!
Well since I had the camera in my hands from just taking my sisters picture, I whirled around and fired off about 20 photos. Sure enough the Taff had the very end of a roll of toilet paper in his mouth as he had found out, to his chagrin, my sister was a heart breaking "whole package doo-doo flusher"! All gone..... all that paper is all gone,.... so he settled for the end of the roll on top of the tank!
Poor Taff, round and round he zoomed on his cable about 90 MPH with only 5 and half inches of white fluffy quilted contraband. My sister questioned my ignoring what she perceived to be a health threat to him. I informed her he rarely ate the cardboard tubes, just ripped them up. As to his consumption of the paper, well he likes it better than green beans (used by many dog owners for weight control and as a health supplement), it seems to be high in fiber but low in fat, contains probably no calories, has no dye and possibly is organically grown I was not sure. Besides it is one of the brands guaranteed biodegradable to not harm septic tanks, and I could not think of a single thing closer to a septic tank than Taff's digestive system! Who knows maybe it will be the next vegetarian weight control diet for dogs, maybe Taff is on the cutting edge? In my humble opinion it also makes his breath smell better than 3 day old road kill (of who knows what species) he eats when he can get away with it! My sister ( the vegetarian) just rolled her eyes and shook here head, but you have to remember she is not a member of the nutso "I am owned by a Samoyed" club. You get real good at justifying bizarre dog behaviors ! hahahaha lol mfb (see photo below)